August 18, 2023

Report: Ressies success linked to checkerboard shoes

Staff Writer

Swinburne FC’s consistent performances in Metropolitan League 7 this season are all down to one key factor, according to a recent study by the Centre of Useless Research.

The report found there was a direct link between the team’s high performance levels and Metro 7 Head Coach Yang Steven Archer Wu’s decision to continue wearing Vans Classic Slip-On Checkerboard shoes to games and training.

The shoes, which retail for $119.99 on the official Vans online store, are reportedly selling out across Melbourne as more people learn about their secret powers.

Archer Wu, not previously considered a fashion icon, or any type of icon for that matter, falsely tried to claim it was actually his coaching ability that was the key reason behind the league title charge.

“Give me some credit,” Archer Wu said.

“After nearly 500 games for this club, I’ve actually learnt a few things about football… they don’t call me Jose Wurinho for nothing.

“Anyway, the shoes only look good when paired with my royal blue coat that looks a bit like a pre-school art smock.”

UPDATE: Rumours are circulating that Archer Wu revealed “they costed 10 bucks” in the club group chat.

Swinburne FC’s Metropolitan League 7 side can wrap up the league title with a win against White Star Dandenong on Sunday afternoon. Kick off at Howard Dawson Reserve is 11am.